


Stranded

by DoctorLazarus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternia, Comedy, Drama, Drugs, Fluff and Humor, I can't believe I just put that tag in, Karkat might be OOC, M/M, Replicators, Science Fiction, This was supposed to be all heartfelt and emotional, Tsunderes, bad words, but it turned into a comedy, he's kind of like Worf, my headcanon is he has an inferiority complex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 16:13:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17511797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorLazarus/pseuds/DoctorLazarus
Summary: On Karkat's sixth wriggling day, a giant egg appears outside his hive.It turns out the egg is a spceship.Inside the spaceship is one John Egbert.John Egbert is from another universe called Earth, but currently he's stuck on Alternia.See what misadventures they get into as John tries to get home.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty much the reason why there's a "Graphic Violence" warning. The rest of the story takes on a different tone, so if bloody axe murder isn't your thing feel free to skip to the next chapter.
> 
> Also, John doesn't swear much in this, because a) I always felt that his goofy personality doesn't match how often he drops f-bombs, and b) it's easier to tell who's talking with dialogue between him and Karkat.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you’ve always been…different.

**No, that’s not a euphemism for retarded, you retard.**

Ahem, sorry. Where were we? Right.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you’ve always been different, ever since you were born. Er, hatched. Whatever.

While the other young trolls have always enjoyed violence and not much else ever since they learned to crawl as larvae, you’ve never really been into that sort of thing. The others did their play fighting – well, maybe not play fighting since half the time it ends in bloodshed with some larva getting chopped in half – but usually you just stayed in a corner and tried not to get yourself noticed or killed.

That was why when you found out after you pupated that you had to engage in a trial in order to go from a larva to a troll, you were a bit worried. Except trolls don’t get worried, so you sucked it up and headed through the caverns in order to face what monstrous beast you had to, by which you meant you just ran past everything as fast as your legs could carry you. Luckily for you, that wasn’t against the rules since all you had to do was get through the trials alive, so you managed to dodge a bullet on that one.

Then you found out that one of the subterranean beasts that exist beneath the surface of Alternia was supposed to care for you, which wasn’t so bad aside from the fact that you had to placate it and make sure it didn’t bite your head off or something. God _dammit_.

Again, a lucky break came as you managed to discover one, or one discovered you, however you want to put it, which seemed pretty happy to leave you alone and not kill-happy as long as you remembered to feed it once in a while so it didn’t get too crabby. So you got into your bipedal stage and managed to make it a sweep without being horribly murdered into a pulp. You might have called it lucky, if it weren’t for the fact that this situation is still pretty shitty, given that you still live in a society where violence is the norm.

You made a bunch of friends, if you can call them that, and often they would invite you to all sorts of activities like kill bugs and kill fauna and kill fish with your bare claws and kill other trolls and okay, now that you think about it it’s really just one sort of activity. They seemed pretty pleased to see blood on their hands and you went along with it and pretended, hoping that maybe you’ll eventually grow to like it in some sort of sick twisted Stockholm syndrome (wherever that is) and that they won’t abandon you for being a weirdo who doesn’t like to kill or worse, decide you’re their next target. You’re pleased to say, you did become really good at it.

No, not at killing. At pretending you like killing. Honestly, the bugs and fauna and fish were okay. At least they didn’t scream when you killed them. But it was at killing other trolls that really stretched your ability to act stoic.

 You were about 3 sweeps old when you and your friends came across a troll who was lying on the beach, not moving. You walk up to him and he tells you that he was walking along the cliff when he fell down the thing. You were about to reply when there was a _WHACK_ and suddenly there’s an axe buried in the troll’s head.

“Oh, what a shame.” Said Vriska. “That’s what you get for being an idiot, I guess.”

Another WHACK goes the axe, and blood goes everywhere. You could see his brain exposed by his fractured skull. It took all your strength not to throw up.

“Really, maybe you should consider _not_ standing next to a cliff. Give me the axe, Vriska.” Said Terezi.

WHACK. WHACK. BLAM.

“T, quit it. Leave some for us.” That was Gamzee. Begrudgingly, Terezi hands the axe over.

WHACK. WHACK. Gamzee aims at his stomach, and there’s more blood.

“Jegus, look at this shit.” Says Gamzee, scooping up a bit of the blood. “What kind of freak has red blood?”

The others laugh. You take a deep breath and hope that they’re finished soon. Alas, they’re not.

You notice movement next to you and when you turn, you see Gamzee holding the axe towards you. “Sorry, Kar. Forgot about you. Your turn.” You take the axe in your hands, feeling its weight. You look down at the troll they expect you to maim. He’s still alive, but disturbingly that’s not even the worse thing. You make eye contact with him, and you see him looking at you, impatient. As if saying _hurry up and get this over with._

You might have felt better if he was pleading. At least you could kill him and feel remorse instead of feeling bad that you should be enjoying this, but aren’t. So you close your eyes and raise the axe high above your head, ready for the killing blow.

Except the next thing you know, the weight of the axe causes you to fall over backwards and your friends are laughing at you.

“You moron, Kar. What were you trying to do, set a new world record for axe-throwing distance?” Gamzee takes the axe back from you and casually, too casually, impales the axe back in the guy. You force out a chuckle and claim that you aren’t feeling well, which isn’t too far from the truth. The others accept your explanation and continue to laugh at the now dead troll in front of them.

You rush back to your hive and throw up in the nearest container, not caring that you’ll need to clean up later. Shuddering, you hold up a hand, seeing it coated candy red with blood. The troll’s blood, or your blood? You can’t tell. You had been clenching your fists so hard during the ordeal that your claw had broken through your skin.

You sit down on the floor, emotions a mix of upset and anger. Upset that you’re a failure as a troll, and angry that you can’t be more like one.


	2. Chapter 2

As you grew older, you realised that it was useless to mope about and feel sorry for yourself, so you supress it. After all, trolls aren’t supposed to do that. That left the anger, anger which you quickly learned to turn into motivation. You might not be able to be a troll by embracing violence, but you made up for it by using your rage to incite violence. And you had to admit, it felt _good_ to kill things now, to watch as shit was crushed beneath your claws or feet as if they were personally responsible for your disgusting freakishness. To use your envy at other trolls that they could be fucking normal and you weren’t to slaughter them and watch as their blood flowed out of them. And you have to admit, it’s kind of pretty when you kill a bunch of trolls with different coloured blood and they all bleed together into intricate patterns. You briefly wonder whether you could use the pretty colours to make a pretty picture.

No, wait. That’s stupid. Trolls don’t make pretty pictures.

You become grouchy, since being upset and negative at everything and everyone all the time tends to make one cynical. Your facial expression now defaults to grumpy.

A sweep or two went by, and before long it’s been six sweeps since you crawled out of that egg. You still hung out with your friends, although you don’t see them much in person anymore. That’s okay, though. You get to keep in touch with them via Trollian. Most of them wish you a happy wriggling day, and you’d thank them but that didn’t seem like much of a troll thing to do so you reply and tell all of them to go fuck themselves because they made you feel old. You close the chat window and decide to go watch a movie, so you grab one of your DVDs and shove it in your computer. It’s a romcom, but you’re not really sure why you decided to watch it. Blackrom is a weird concept to you on account of not being prone to violence, and your cynicism and anger practically erased your sense of humour. So after 5 minutes of this shit you just turn it off and lie down on your floor. Fuck, you wish you had something soft to lie down on instead so you could be pissed at the world in comfort.

“Six sweeps of miserable existence and shitty life. I wish there was someone around here that understands me.”

Ordinarily nothing would have happened, but luckily Karkat’s in a work of fiction where magic and miracles are real – er, I mean, luckily for Karkat the cosmos must have taken pity on him because the next thing he knew, there was a big BOOM and the entire hive shakes.

“What the hell is that?” says Karkat, and runs downstairs to throw open his front door, being greeted with a giant egg-like thing. The front of the egg thing opens with a pneumatic _hiss_ and a lot of smoke and out comes a weird pale monkey thing with a green blob on his chest.

“Gosh darn it!” says the weird pale monkey thing. “Your maiden voyage and you decide to break down? What are you, the space _Titanic_?”

“The fuck?” you say and the monkey turns around.

“Oh, crumbs! Er, hello.”

“What the fuck are you, what the fuck is that thing and what the fuck are you doing in front of my hive?”

“Me?” says the monkey. “I’m just a…traveller. This is my travel vessel. I’m just passing by here for a moment dontmindmeokaybye.” With that, he (is it a he? He looks like a he, but he may be a she) disappears back into the egg. Of course, any sane person or troll would have had their interest piqued by this, so you do as your curiosity tells you and wander in behind him. Upon entering the egg, you notice that there’s a bunch of panels and screens and whatnot and the monkey is banging his hand on one of the keyboards.

“Come on!” The monkey gives a kick to one of the panels, which makes a loud CLUNK and then he’s holding his foot in his hands. “Yow! Betty Crocker!”

“What kind of expletive is Betty Crocker?” you ask, wondering who this person is and what horrible things they could have done to warrant speaking their name to be considered offensive.

The monkey turns around for the second time since you met him, since he apparently doesn’t have good situational awareness of where people are which is not a good thing on Alternia since that is practically asking to be stabbed in the back. “Oh dear, why did you follow me? I told you not to mind me!”

“You’re a mysterious monkey creature who showed up out of nowhere in a giant egg, are you really fucking expecting me to just leave and forget all this shit?”

“I’m not a monkey creature, I’m a human.”

“What’s that?”

“Never mind.” The ~~monkey~~ human reaches into a toolbox and pulls out a screwdriver. “As I’ve said, I’m going to be gone in a few minutes, so really if you could just get on with whatever you were doing it would be all fine and dandy.”

“Fine and dandy? Who the fuck says that?”

The human looks offended and sticks out his bottom lip, chewing on it with his oversized teeth that you eventually recognise as pouting. You find the way he pouts rather adorable. Oh, goddammit, no. Trolls do _not_ find things adorable.

“I do, okay? Could you cease bothering me, I have a lot of work to do.” The human has unscrewed one of the panels and is looking inside. “Aha! Let’s see, if I just twist this valve here, and…” he reaches up and presses a button.

The egg you are in promptly explodes, sending debris flying everywhere and launching the two of you onto one of your awnings on your hive. There’s a moment of silence before the human puts his head in his hands. You’re not really sure how to react, so you just stand there awkwardly and wait for him to finish.

“Hey, uh…is there like a hotel I could stay at or something around here?”

“What the everloving fuck is a hotel?”

“A hotel! You know, a place where you can rent a room to sleep for the night.”

“Why the fuck would anybody need that? Why not just go back to their hive, sleep in their own recuperacoon?”

“Well, I don’t exactly have a place to sleep. I know I haven’t exactly been friendly with you since we’ve met, but do you mind if I stay at your house for a while?”

“Yes, very much.”

“Oh.” He looks at you seemingly unsure how to respond to that.

“Okay, _fine_.”

 “Cool.” The human smiles and sticks out his hand. “I’m John.”

You look at him in confusion. Does he want you to have his limb as a peace offering? After a bit, the human grabs your hand and you pull away. Fuck no, you are not cutting off your hand and exchanging body parts.

“Okay, not big on handshakes I see.” the human you now know is called John scratches his head. “Uh, care to show me around?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The word 'faggot' get thrown around a bit. It's used to refer to the actual stick bundle, though.

You show the human-called-John around your hive while he tells you more about himself. Apparently, he’s from a planet called Earth which exists in the exact same place as Alternia except in a different dimension. John is an explorer who built a dimensional transport machine which was the egg you saw that exploded earlier, which meant that John was now stuck here until either someone rescues him or he manages to rebuild the thing. Then he goes on and talks about how he likes computer programming and movies and the paranormal and video games and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda you stopped paying attention after a while.

“Jegus fuck, would you shut up for a damned second? First you want me to go away and now you talk like you’d die if you keep quiet for more than two fucking seconds.” you snap at him. He does his pouty thing again and you immediately feel bad for snapping at him.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that I was trying to get home and was a bit preoccupied with trying to fix my transport. By the way, I don’t even know your name.”

“Well yeah, no shit. You were yakking on and listening to the sound of your own voice.”

“Sorry? What’s your name?”

“Karkat.”

“So what about you and your species? What do you like to do?”

“We kill and eat our young.”

“Oh.” He looks at you, tilting his head presumably trying to figure out whether you’re joking. You roll your eyes.

“I wasn’t being serious, you imbecile. Although we do do plenty of killing.”

“Heh, doodoo.”

“Fucking grow up. What are you, two?”

“I’m thirteen!”

That bit of information comes as a surprise, and you turn around to check him out. Gross. Not in that way.

“You don’t look thirteen. Does your species just look like juveniles for half your life or something, because if I were to guess I’d say you were 6, same as me.”

“Wait, you’re only six years old?”

“Six _sweeps_ old.”

“Ah.” And he nods his head in the way that people do when they pretend they know what you’re taking about.

The two of you reach the nutrition block and John the human remarks that he’s hungry. You tell him that there’s some grub and he can help himself, but when you actually take out the grub he makes a revolted face.

“Ew, Karkat, what is that?”

“It’s food, what the fuck else could it be?”

“It looks like a bird ate it and then threw it back up.”

“Fuck you, it’s perfectly good food and you can either have the grub or you can have my bulge.”

“What’s bulge?”

You stare at John. “Do you seriously not know what a bulge is?” The guy looks at you with a look of confusion, his ignorance apparently not a façade. All of a sudden you feel rather embarrassed talking about this sort of thing, so you gesture to your crotch and hope he gets the message.

John looks at your hand and where your finger’s pointing for a moment before his face goes red. “Oh! So, is this your species’ equivalent of breastfeeding?”

“What’s breastfeeding?”

John’s face goes even redder. “It’s when a human sucks on another human’s teat in order to get milk for nutrition.”

A mental image of John on his knees sucking on your bulge comes up. Why the _fuck_ did he have to say that. Now it’s your turn to go red. “No, you idiot. I’m saying either you can have the grub or you can have nothing.”

“It’s not food?”

“…Are you exceptionally stupid or is every one of your species like this? No, it’s not food.”

John continues staring at your crotch for a few seconds before realising that he’s been staring at your crotch for a good five minutes and looks away. “Sorry. Is there actually anything else to eat besides grub?”

“No there isn’t, and I still don’t get why you find grub such a fucking turn off.”

“It just doesn’t look very appetising. Maybe I’ll go look around and scavenge. Can we continue this tour later while I go look for food?”

“Whatever. I don’t give a fuck. Suit yourself.”

John fucks off somewhere. All that talk has made you a bit hungry too, so you opt to eat the grub that John refused. This has been an odd wriggling day celebration, but you can’t say it hasn’t been unpleasant. This John human liked to talk about something that’s not related to violence in one way or another, and it’s actually been kind of…enjoyable.

After you’ve finished your food and chucked the plate out the window (because fuck doing the dishes and also all other chores) John is nowhere to be found. Not that you’re worried about him or anything, but you kind of want to spend more time talking with him about things other than violence. God, what is wrong with you? This isn’t how trolls behave.

Oh, who gives a shit. Nobody’s here.

You wander around your hive looking for John, eventually concluding he’s not here. Did he go outside? You open the front door to be greeted by the leftover egg debris of John’s transport (you’ll have to clean that up later, so much for fucking chores).

“John?” John!” You take a wander around your hive, looking for him. That stupid idiot wouldn’t have gone far, right? It’s not like he knows his way around Alternia. Who knows, from what you’ve learned about humans they seem to be exactly that stupid.

Behind your hive is a small pond, and to your relief – no, fuck, I mean to your stoic not-giving-a-shit reaction you see John sitting by the edge holding a big stick with a piece of spider string dangling off of it.

“What the fuck are you doing? I thought you were looking for food.”

“I am looking for food? See?” John points at his stick and string contraption.

“The fuck is dangling a piece of string over a pond gonna do?”

“It’s called fishing. Haven’t you heard of fishing? When you catch fish?”

“Of course we know what fishing is, dimwit. But we have a far superior way of getting fish. It’s called, just get the fuck in the pond and stab the fucking fish with your bare claws.”

“Well Karkat, humans can’t exactly do that. Our hands don’t have claws, and besides, fish tend to be slippery. We have a hard time keeping ahold of them.”

“I can tell, you’re as evolutionarily stunted as your intelligence is.”

“Ooh, I think I got one!” John pulls back at his stick contraption, which promptly snaps in two. “Gosh DARN it!”

“So much for your marvellous method of catching fish.”

“Man, I can’t get anything. I’m gonna starve.” John pouts his lips in his adorable way yet again. You wonder if he knows what he’s doing and is just trying to guilt-trip you.

“Okay, fine. If you want to catch a fish so bad, I’ll catch one for you.” You take off your shoes and trousers before wading into the pond. For once, you’re glad you spent time killing fish while you were younger. You see a fish swimming around and quickly dart your hand towards it, impaling the thing. Victorious, you lift your hand up above the water and wade back out, pulling the fish off your claw and tossing it by John’s feet. “Here.”

“Thanks.” John mutters, not looking at you. You’re about to snap at him for being an ungrateful shit before you remember you’re standing in front of him in just a shirt and boxers. Unfortunately since you’re soaking wet you can’t put the rest of your clothes back on, so pretending you don’t know what he’s freaking out about you usher him back into the hive. There, you excuse yourself and quickly go grab a towel to dry your legs. You get your trousers back on and go down the stairs you see John in your nutrition block. He’s speared the fish with a stick and placed it atop a bunch of other sticks with a fire below it.

“Now what the fuck is this faggot?”

“Dude, what the f-“ he bites his lip. “I mean, what? What are you talking about?”

You point to his dumb faggot thing.

“It’s a campfire. It’s not even in a bundle.”

“Well I don’t know what the fuck that is, so excuse me.” You retort.

“I’m _cooking_.”

“What the fuck is cooking?”

“It’s when you make food hot to kill germs and um, bacteria and stuff. So we don’t get sick.”

“Can’t your digestive system handle that?”

John shakes his head. “We lost that ability a long time ago.”

“So not only are you evolutionarily stunted, you’re actually progressing backwards through it. Your species never ceases to surprise me.”

“Hold on, does that mean your grub isn’t cooked?”

“Of course it’s not. Do you see any other faggots around here?”

“Okay, can you stop saying that f-word? It’s making me uncomfortable.”

“What, fuck? I’ve said fuck like a hundred times since we’ve met and you hadn’t mentioned it.”

“No, the other one.” John gestures to his faggot again.

“What, faggot?”

“Yes!”

“I don’t get it.”

“I…you know what, I’ll explain later.” John takes his fish off the fag-oh sorry, _stick contraption_ and takes a bite. “Mmm, this is actually quite good.” In spite of yourself you take a whiff and have to admit that it smells quite decent.

“Now, can you please tell me why you’re so averse to the word faggot?” He looks at you as if you’re asking “Why is the sky grey?” God, did you look like that back when he asked you about your bulge?

“Faggot is a, it’s a bad term for a homosexual for us.”

“You are still spouting gibberish out of your hole.”

“A homosexual, you know a guy who likes other guys?”

“You have a word for that? Why?”

“Oh lord, can we not talk about this right now? I’m eating.” You see that he’s all flustered and guess that this must be an uncomfortable topic for him, who knows why. Though you’d love to know more now that he’d piqued your curiosity, you decide not to press the subject. So you just stand there awkwardly watching John eat his fish.

“Hey, could I try a bit of your fish?” John holds the fish up to you and you take a cautious bite. Wow. It actually tastes even better than it smelled. You make a note to try this cooking thing out sometime.

John continues eating the fish and though you’d love to have another bite you think it’s be rude if you ate half of his meal especially after you’ve insulted it (trolls usually don’t give a shit, you’re different, you get the idea). When he finishes he asks you where to throw the bone away, you tell him to just leave it on a counter and you’ll give it to your lusus.

“What’s a lusus?”

“He’s my guardian. He takes care of me and in return I feed him and keep him complacent.”

“Oh, so he’s like a father?”

“What the fuck is a father?”

“He’s like your lusus, I guess.”

“We are going in fucking circles with this retarded conversation.”

John agrees with you and asks to move on with the tour. You agree.


	4. Chapter 4

The two of you reach your respite block, where again John marvels in all the perfectly ordinary things you have, such as your posters featuring troll Sandler and your recuperacoon.

“So you trolls sleep in a giant purple pod thing filled with green slime?”

“Yes, is there any other painfully obvious observation you’d like to say?”

“Crud, that reminds me. Where am I gonna sleep?”

Good question. You hadn’t thought of that. You suggest taking turns using the pod, he sleeps during the day while you sleep during night.

“Hotbunking? Well, I’m flattered Karkat, but we humans don’t need to sleep in slime. I’m happy just lying on something soft.”

“Well, the pod’s pretty soft. You could lie on top of it, if that’s what you want.”

John climbs on top of your recuperacoon. “This isn’t very comfortable.”

“Well, I’m sorry that I didn’t prepare a soft surface in case an alien randomly shows up out of nowhere and demands a place to sleep.”

“Okay, no need to get your knickers in a twist. I can work with this.” He shuffles around a bit before he loses his footing or something and promptly falls face-first into the sopor slime.

“Shit!” you rush to pull him back out. Great. Now there’s sopor slime all over your respite block. “John, are you okay? Also, did you eat any of the slime? Please don’t say you ate some slime.”

“I’m fine, I think.” He spits and luckily there doesn’t seem to be any slime.

“You need to get cleaned up.” John’s glasses are covered with slime so you quickly run to your ablution block, grab a towel, then run back to where John is standing there waiting. He takes his glasses off and cleans it, then proceeds trying to wipe the stuff off of his shirt.

“Karkat, I don’t think this is working.” John wipes at his shirt a bit more and you notice that none of it seems to be coming off. You snatch the towel from him and try a few wipes yourself but it doesn’t seem to be coming off for you, either.

“Odd. Looks like whatever material your shirt’s made of is absorbing the sopor slime like a motherfucker. I’m not sure how I can get it off.”

“Well, what am I gonna do?”

“Well, I’ve got some spare shirts you could have.” You go over to your wardrobe and quickly toss out a shirt for John to try, who discards his ruined slime shirt and tries yours on. Alas, it seems that John’s bigger than you as the shirt only reaches halfway down John’s torso.

“Karkat, this isn’t working either.”

“I can see that you fuck, I’m not blind.”

John takes your shirt off and yawns. “Also, is it just me or did it get a bit cold here all of a sudden?” Now that he’s mentioned it, you feel a chill, too. Glancing out the window you see that the sun is setting.

“It’s getting night.”

“Oh.” John yawns again. “Hey, have you got any more towels?”

As a matter of fact, you do. John asks you to bring you all of the towels, so you snap at him that you’re not his slave and he can go get the damned towels himself. John does so and grabs a bunch of shirts from your wardrobe while he’s at it.

“Why are you taking out all my shit?”

“I’m making a bed.” John folds up all the towels and lies on top of them. “These are actually really comfy.” Of course. Towels. Why hadn’t you thought of that earlier? That would have been so much nicer than lying on the cold hard floor.

“So what are all of my shirts for?”

“Well, I need a blanket of some sorts, don’t I?” He takes a couple of shirts and places them on top of himself.

“Do humans have to sleep wrapped up like they’re in a fucking cocoon?”

“Yeah, it’s very comfy. You should try it out.”

“Hard pass.”

“Suit yourself.” John takes his glasses off and places them next to him. “Night, Karkat.”

“Hey, what the fuck, you messed up my respite block when you decide to jump into the sopor slime and you’re just going to go to sleep? Help me clean up, you twit!”

“Mmm hmm.” John mutters. You try to shake him awake but to no avail.

“God. Dammit.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Wow, that was a really good night’s sleep. I feel so refreshed.”

“Fuck you.” You’d spent half an hour cleaning up all the sopor slime splattered across your respite block. Then you spent another half an hour trying to clean up John’s shirt, but the slime just refused to come off. Eventually you gave up and got pissed (you’re not sure which) so you just tore his stupid shirt to pieces and threw it out the window where it landed along with all the dishes. Fuck that shit.

“Man Karkat, got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? How that’s even possible, it’s not like your bed has a different side. Heh.” John chuckles as if he’s made the funniest joke in the world.

“Is something wrong with you? Ever since you woke up today you’ve been acting like more of an idiot than usual. Which is saying something.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, this is how I normally am. Maybe you need to relax a bit more, stop being stressed about everything. Heh.”

“What are you going ‘heh’ about? You didn’t even make a joke. I didn’t say anything even remotely funny.”

“I don’t know. I just feel all calm and collected is all. What’s for breakfast?”

“Grub for me, I don’t know about you nor do I give two shits.”

“Aw, that’s a shame. Got milk?”

“Milk?”

“Yeah, you know,” John makes two fists and then moves them up and down in front of him like a retard. “Mooooo.”

“You are being stupid again. I have no idea what you’re doing.”

“Come on! Milk, comes from cows, you drink it?”

“…That is the most disgusting fucking thing I have ever heard. Why the fuck do you drink milk that comes from another animal?”

“Hey, don’t beat it till you’ve tried it.”

“I am going to pass that even harder than I passed sleeping on your towel bed.”

“Heh.”

“STOP FUCKING SAYING HEH!”

“Heh.”

You resist the urge to strangle the insufferable prick and dig into your grub. John sits down across from you and gives you a goofy smile.

“So, no brekky. What else do you do for fun around here?”

“Mainly I just go watch shitty movies.”

“Ooh, that sounds fun! I love movies! Can I join?”

“Fine.”

So you hurry up and finish your grub then grab a movie from your extensive collection, load it up on your computer and hit play. John goes and plops his ass right on top of you.

“John human, WHY?”

“Well, where else am I gonna sit?” A hand reaches down and strokes your thigh. “You’re comfy."

You shove him off of you and onto the pile of towels. “Go there, and don’t do that again.”

“Heh.”

You pretend you haven’t heard him and focus on watching the movie. John doesn’t stop yapping and asks you a question every five minutes ruining the movie, but since it’s a shitty romcom you’ve seen before you don’t mind too much and begrudgingly answer his questions.

“I don’t get it. It’s a romance, but they act like they hate each other?”

“Yes, that’s what’s known as a blackrom.”

“What’s that?”

You go and explain it to him as well as all the intricacies of troll romance, which we shall skip the nitty gritty because ~~all of that gives me a headache more than when I was doing calculus~~ it’s boring.

“Wow, that seems complicated. For humans we don’t have all this quadrant stuff.”

“That seems so bland and boring.”

He shrugs and you continue watching the movie. One of the characters takes his shit off.

“Hey, that reminds me. Karkat, where’s my shirt?”

“I couldn’t salvage it, so I threw it away.”

“Oh, well, that’s a shame. Was my favourite shirt as well. Heh. How ironic. It was a green slime shirt and it got ruined by green slime. Why do you trolls sleep in green slime, anyway?”

“It’s sopor slime. It calms us and keeps us from having violent tendencies-“ You trail off for a second as a thought hits you. “Wait, John. Are you under the effects of the sopor slime?”

“I don’t know. How do I know?”

 “Do you normally act like this or is this unusual even for you?”

He looks at you with a look of confusion and smiles, the goofy grin never leaving his face.

“Ah, shit. I’m gonna take that as a yes. Are you sure you didn’t eat any yesterday?”

Another shrug, another goofy grin.

“Who knows, maybe the effect is more potent on you because you’re not as naturally inclined to violence as we are…” You ponder.

“Well, I mean, maybe we could find out…” You look over at him and see that he’s stuck his hand in the slime again.

“John, no!” You rush over and pull his hand out. “That is an extremely dumb idea for two reasons. One, we don’t know what other effects it might have on you, and two, that’s my recuperacoon you’re eating. Where the fuck do I sleep if you’ve ingested all of it.”

 He just looks at you all goofy again and you wonder if he even heard anything you said.

“Come on, I got an idea. Maybe some cold water would help clear your mind.” You drag him over to your ablution block and turn on the tap. Water runs and you splash some on his face. The water runs down his chest and – wait. What are those? You stoop down and take a look at the protrusions on John’s chest.

“John, what are these?”

“What, this?” It’s water, silly.”

“Not the fucking water! This.” You touch one of the protrusions.

“What, my nipple? Heh.”

“Are you saying heh because it’s funny or because of the sopor slime?” You continue touching him.

“Heh, no. That tickles. Stop it. They’re sensitive.”

“Well, what do they do?”

“That’s where milk comes from for girls.”

“So you’re saying that if I keep touching them milk will come out?” You stop your movements. You don’t really want to see that happening.

“No, silly. I said that’s only for girls. For boys they don’t really do anything, except get you aroused."

The words take a moment to sink in before you jerk your hand back as if you’d been burned. “Gods’ sake John, why didn’t you say something before?” Your eyes trail down to John’s crotch before you catch yourself and force them back up.

“You didn’t ask! Heh.”

“Okay, we really need to get the sopor slime out of your system.” You splash some more water on his face.

 “Karkat, this is really nice and all, but I’m not thirsty.”

“Oh, fuck this…” you give him a hard slap across the face. That seemed to do the trick, as John’s demeanour immediately changes.

“Huh? What happened?”

“You were acting dumb…dumb _er_ than normal, so I had to slap you.”

“Oh.” He looks around. “Why are we in the bathroom and why am I wet.” A second passes before he blushes the hardest you’ve seen him blush. “Oh my god, were you…?”

“Amazingly you seem to be more brain dead when you’re _not_ under the effects of sopor slime. I was just trying to get you a _wake_. Nothing _hap_ pened. You’re _fuck_ ing wel _come_.” You opt not to mention that he did stroke your thigh earlier.

“Right. Sorry. Uh, thanks. ”

A second passes, and you can feel him staring at you. Judging.

“YOUR PANTS ARE STILL ON AND SO ARE MINE.”

“Sorry!” he stumbles backward, trips over his own two feet and falls down on the floor, hard.

“Oh my god…”


	6. Chapter 6

After the fiasco with John and the slime the sun was high in the sky and you’d practically missed breakfast. Luckily, for trolls breakfast and lunch consisted of the same thing – grub - so you went back to eating while John went outside to look for food again. A good hour later you’d finished your grub, tossed another dish out the window and was wondering whether you’d need to go out and look for that idiot human again when he came back.

“What took you so fucking long?”

“Karkat, I’ve got good news.” John says and takes out a boxy rectangle thing. “I’ve managed to find the alchemizer from my ship.”

“And I am supposed to know what an alchemizer is?”

“It’s quite simple really, it can convert matter into other forms of matter. So if I can plug this thing in somewhere I can alchemize a new shirt as well as food. So I don’t have to go scavenge anymore! Isn’t that great?”

“Does that mean you don’t have to go around making faggots in my nutrition block either.”

“Ow. Karkat, I told you not to use that word.”

“You still never explained to me why I shouldn’t.”

“Well, it’s because, uh…” John gets all flustered again, “It’s a bad term for a homosexual.”

“Again, you are using words that I am assuming actually mean something and are not just you spewing random gibberish.”

“A homosexual, a gay guy?”

“Not following.”

“A guy who likes another guy?”

“Okay, and?”

“What do you mean, and?”

“Why is there a) specifically a term for that sort of thing, and b) a bad term for that sort of thing? Isn’t that kind of like calling someone two-eyed? Yeah, no shit. Everybody’s two-eyed.”

“No, it’s more like calling someone four-eyed. And not in a good way.”

“Are you saying that a guy who likes guys is like a guy who wears glasses?”

“I, well, kinda?” John mimics a windmill with his hands. At least, you think he’s mimicking a windmill with his hands. “As in, it’s not considered normal for us, and we humans have a tendency to shun anybody who’s not normal…”

“Well, that’s one thing we trolls and humans have in common.”

“Really? How so?”

“I’m done with this conservation.”

 John seems curious to know more, but a death glare from you makes him shut up. He changes the subject. “Is there a socket around here?”

You point behind you and he goes over presumably to plug his alchem-whatsit in. A bunch of beeps and whooshes and indescribable sounds follow and in spite of yourself you can’t help but turn to see what he’s up to. You’re just in time to see a shirt appear out of thin air. Okay, you have to admit: that’s pretty cool.

“There. Now if I get slime all over my shirt again, I don’t have to worry.”

“If you get slime on your shirt again, John, I will personally shove it up your nook.”

“Should I know what a nook is?”

“You know what, no. I don’t want a fucking repeat of yesterday.”

“Spaghetti and meatballs, please.”

“What?”

“Sorry, I’m testing the voice recognition on this thing.” You look behind him to see a plate of worms. Jegus, that’s sickening. What is wrong with humans?

“I thought you said you fucking hated grubs!”

“I do!”

“Then why are you eating worms?”

John looks down at the plate he’s holding before wrinkling his nose in disgust. “Ew, Karkat, these aren’t worms. It’s spaghetti.”

“…”

“Pasta.”

“…”

“Made from wheat.”

“…”

“It’s a plant, okay? Oh sheesh, I think I lost my appetite.” John places his plate of worms/spaghetti/pasta/whatever down.

“You’re the one to talk. I want to throw up.”

“I can’t tell if you’re making a joke or not.”

“Fuck you.”

“Why do you end so many conversations with that? It’s not very nice.”

“I’m a troll, we’re not nice by nature.”

“Really?” John leans against a wall and crosses his arms. “You seem like a pretty nice guy.”

Good thing you had finished eating your grub ages ago or you might have choked hearing that. “What?” you splutter.

“I said, you seem pretty nice.”

For once, you’re not sure how to respond, so you just stare at him until he gets uncomfortable.

“Well, you know,” he continues, “You offered me a place to stay and helped me with catching me a fish and making me a bed and helped me get the slime off of me despite only having met me yesterday…thanks. Truly.”

“Whatever. I’m gonna go back to my respite block and finish that movie. You do whatever the fuck you want to.” You get up and leave. John follows you.

“I’d like to join! I love movies.”

“You told me that already.”

“When?”

“Few hours ago, when you were under the effects of sopor slime.”

“I don’t remember that. In fact, I can’t seem to recall anything from this morning, now that you mention it.”

“That’s a pretty typical side effect of sopor slime. I find it hard to remember what I dream about, either.”

The two of you reach your respite block and you sit down in your computer chair to resume playing the video.

“Karkat?”

“Yes?” Great. John’s going to continue his trend of asking a question every 5 minutes.

“I don’t get it. It’s a romance, but they act like they hate each other?”

“You _also_ asked me that question a few hours ago.”

“But I can’t remember any of it? Karkat, explain it to me again? Please?”

“God damn you, John.” Despite yourself, you explain the intricacies of troll romance to him. Again. “There. Now if you ask me about this again I’ll throw you out the fucking window.”

Five minutes pass. One of the characters in the movie says something that’s presumably supposed to be funny and the other character laughs.

“Karkat?”

“What now?”

“How come I’ve never seen you smile?”

“What the fuck would I be smiling about?”

“I don’t know, anything? You just seem to be all sulky looking all the time.”

“That’s just how my face looks like!”

“Really?” John reaches over and touches your mouth.

“Did you fucking lose your think pan or something? What the fuck are you trying to do?”

“I want to see what you look like when you smile!” he says, inadvertently sticking a finger inside your mouth.

“Hab you heard ob a ping called perbonal pabe? Get your pucking pinger out of by bouth!”

 “Youch!” he withdraws his hand. “Karkat, you bit me!”

“Oh, I’m so fucking sorry I bit your finger when you decided it’d be a good fucking idea to put your fucking finger inside my mouth.”

“I hope I didn’t catch anything infectious.”

“I’m fucking clean, you dipshit!”

John sticks his finger in his mouth. “Oh god. Bad idea. I can still taste you on my finger.”

“Well, why the fuck did you think it’d be a good idea to stick your finger inside your mouth? Bulgemuncher.”

“I was trying to stop the bleeding! Karkat, is there blood?” He holds out his hand for you to inspect. You take a look.

“What colour is your blood?”

“Red. Why?”

“You have red blood?” You look at him incredulously. Now _this_ was interesting information.

“Yeah, I do! All humans have red blood. What about you?”

“None of your fucking business.” You reply practically out of habit.

“Sorry…?”

“No, I’m…I’m sorry.” You respond, the word feeling foreign in your mouth. You then explain to John about the hemospectrum that your species has.

“So, different trolls have different coloured blood. That’s interesting. And red is considered to be a mutant colour?”

You look down. “Yeah. I’m kind of an outcast.”

A hand reaches down to pat your shoulder. “Now what?” You look at John’s hand on your shoulder.

“It’s a gesture of affection. It’s supposed to make you feel better. Do you feel better?”

“John, your goofy personality is making me sick. Also, you’re getting red all over me.”

“Oh! Sorry.”

“I can’t tell if it’s just my spit or your blood.” You look down at your shirt, stained red. Great – now you’re going to have to wash this. You take off your shirt and discard it on the floor. Fuck chores. You’ll do them later. You go over to your wardrobe before you remember that John took all of your shirts for his bed, so you turn back around and grab a shirt off the floor. It’s the same shirt you were wearing.

“FUCK!” Pissed, you throw the shirt as hard as you can towards the wall. Unfortunately, nothing spectacular happens, since fabric doesn’t possess enough momentum to break anything. Turning around for the third time in three minutes, you notice John staring at you.

“What?” you snap at him.

“Nothing, I just…” he stares at you for another second before turning away. Suddenly you’re very self-conscious about being shirtless in front of him.

“Can you not stare at me like I’m some sort of circus freak?” You grab a different shirt from the pile and put it on. “I didn’t stare at your weird human chest with your odd lumps when you were shirtless yesterday.”

“Well, I was sleeping under covers anyway!…Wait, what lumps? I don’t have lumps, do I?” John quickly pulls his shirt up (oh, _Jegus_ , why) and looks himself over. “Oh god, do I have cancer?”

“No John, I’m referring to the things you call nipples. Idiot.”

“My nipples are not odd or lumpy!”

“Yes they are. Why does your torso have two protrusions and a hole? The fuck are they for?”

“What hole?” You point to the hole in his torso. “That’s a navel.”

“Well, what’s it for?”

“It’s just left over from before we were born. Do you not have one?”

“I would’ve thought from your gawking at me before that you would’ve noticed.”

“So, how did you-“ John pauses and seems to reconsider his question. “Like, how are trolls born?”

“We hatch from eggs as larvae, then we pupate and we become what we are today. Is that not how humans work?”

“No. We spend, like, nine months in our mother as a fetus then we’re born, pretty much looking like what we do now. You trolls are so odd!”

“I beg to fucking differ. You humans are the odd ones.”

“Hey, is it just me again or is it kinda chilly here?”

“YOU’RE NOT WEARING A FUCKING SHIRT. OF COURSE YOU’RE FEELING COLD.”

Blushing, John quickly pushes his shirt back down.


	7. Chapter 7

“Knock knock.”

“Why don’t you just fucking knock instead of saying it?”

“It’s a knock-knock joke, Karkat.”

“Is this another one of your dumb human things?”

“Just say, ‘Who’s there?’ would you?”

“I know who’s there. It’s you.”

“Just say it.”

“Fine. Who’s there.”

“Hutch.”

“Hutch what?”

“No, you’re supposed to say ‘Hutch who?’.”

“Bless you.”

“Hah. Good one.”

“What? What did I say?” John continues laughing and you look at him. “Did you get into the sopor slime again?”

“No, it’s just…oh, never mind. I guess trolls don’t really understand jokes.”

“No I don’t, but it’s because you refuse to explain and choose to act like a dimwit.”

“Jokes are…you know? God, how does one explain a joke? It’s like, a funny sentence to get others to laugh? Do trolls know what amusement is?”

“Of course we know what amusement is. It’s the feeling you get when you see someone else in pain.”

“…That’s not what really amusement is supposed to be. That’s just cruel.”

“Whatever. I’m done with this dumb conversation.”

“Wait, wait, let me try another joke. What’s the difference between a freight train off its rails and a woman who just woke up?”

“There are tons of differences! One is a train, the other is not.”

“Oh, never mind.” John shakes his head and walks away. Staring at his retreating backside, you can’t help but feel you’ve done something wrong somehow.


	8. Chapter 8

“Karkat, are you ticklish?”

“What does that mean?”

John pokes you at the sides and you flinch involuntarily.

“Don’t poke me, fucknut.”

“I’m trying to see if you’re ticklish!” John runs his fingers over your torso, and you laugh.

“Ah, so you are ticklish!” John grins and continues his assault. You laugh a bit before you get the strength to shove the fuck away.

“What is your _problem_? What did you do to me?” You clutch at your sides where John touched you.

“Relax, Karkat. You’re always so tense. It’s just a harmless bit of tickling, is all.”

“Well, I hated it. You made me feel weird. That’s just what I fucking needed.”

“Sorry.” John turns away. Fuck, why does he know exactly how to make you feel bad for him all the time. “I just wanted to get you to smile.”

You sit down next to him when a thought comes to you. “Are _you_ ticklish?” You run your fingers over his torso like John did to you just now.

“No, I’m noohahahooo…” John splutters into a bunch of giggles.

“So you are!” You continue running your fingers along him, listening to him laugh. Fuck, his voice sounds so melodic. You could listen to it all day.

John continues laughing as you tickle him until clear water comes out of his eyes. Uh oh.

“Shit! John, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just…give me a second to breathe.”

“Your face is wet. You’re not leaking water or something, are you?”

“No, no, I just got tears in my eyes is all. Don’t trolls have tears?”

“Our tears are the same colour as our blood.”

“Okay, that is super weird. You cry blood.”

“Dipshit moron! It’s not blood. It’s just blood coloured.”

“That is still really weird. I won’t know how to react if I cry and my tears are red.”

“Clear water comes out of your face. Your species is the one that’s weird.”

“Why don’t we call a truce and say we’re both weird?”

“Fine. Truce.”

“Hey, I got you to smile.”

“What, via your assault upon me? That’s not fair; you essentially forced me to smile!”

“Do the ends justify the means, I would say they do.”

“Fuck you. Fuck you down the escalation zigzags and out the door.”

“That sounds uncomfortable, engaging in that sort of thing down a staircase.”

“That’s it, truce over.” You tackle John and start tickling him again until his face leaks once more.


	9. Chapter 9

You’re wandering about your hive looking for John, who seems to have an uncanny ability to disappear off the face of Alternia. It’s night and worse, it’s the full moon too, where the most dangerous monsters wander about and going outside is good way to get yourself mauled by something.

You notice that the door that leads up to the roof of your hive is ajar, so you push it open a bit further. “John?” Cautiously, you climb up the stairs, eventually reaching the roof and seeing John sitting on the edge.

“Jegus John, do you have a death wish or something? Get away from there?”

John turns and you notice his face looks odd. Your first thought is that humans turn into hideous monsters under the full moon and it might be a good idea to run, but then you think about it for more than half a second and realise that that’s stupid: if humans did that, John would have warned you. Probably.

On closer inspection it hits you why his face looks odd. John’s goofy grin that is usually on his face like he got lockjaw is gone.

“Oh, hey Karkat. Sorry if I spooked you or something, I just…wanted to be alone for a while.”

“Because humans turn into hideous monsters under the full moon? John, you are an asshole, why tell me NOW? Why not a good day in advance so I can lock myself in my respite block and not get mauled?”

John gives a pained chuckle. “Karkat, you always know how to make me smile.”

“I’m not trying to cheer you up? Are you or are you not going to turn into a hideous beast?”

“No, I’m not. It’s just…” John gives a sigh and looks up at the moon. “I had friends, you know. Back on Earth. One of them, Dave, he and I would always get up on the roof of his apartment and watch the stars together.”

“Sounds dumb.”

He gives you a glare and you berate yourself for blurting out shit without thinking. Giving another sigh, John continues.

“Dave always enjoyed the sight of the full moon. He said…he said that it made everything look so peaceful, illuminated under a warm lunar glare.” John puts his head down between his knees. “Damn, I just…I have no clue how to get back to Earth, Karkat. I don’t want to be stuck here on Alternia, no offense.”

“None taken.” You sit down beside John. “I…I actually don’t like being here on Alternia, either. It’s kinda lame, troll culture. Violence isn’t just commonplace, it’s expected. But I don’t really like killing. I just like to watch cheesy movies. I’ve always felt myself like I don't belong, and it doesn’t help that my blood is red, too. As if I’m just some big joke and the whole universe is laughing at me, a constant reminder that I don’t and never will fit in.

“You just said that entire paragraph without swearing.”

“Your ability to state painfully obvious facts and at inopportune times never ceases to amaze me. Normally I put up a façade, make myself out to be more like a troll than I really am. Of course I can go a whole fucking sentence without swearing; it just doesn’t seem very troll-like to do it.” You sigh – great, now John’s stupid habits are rubbing off on you, too. “Honestly, I’ve been pretty mellow these last few days, talking to you.”

“You were _mellow_?”

“Yes I was you fucking dipshit, would you like me to rip out your blood pusher and shove it up your nook so hard it comes out your other end to demonstrate how _not_ -mellow I can be?”

“Okay, alright, sheesh. No need to get your panties in a twist.”

You flip him off. Then sigh. Then mentally tell yourself to stop fucking sighing. “It’s…nice, having you here, John. Someone to chat with that isn’t all just about murdering.”

John turns to look at you. You turn to look at him. The two of you inch closer. Closer. Closer…

 “Hey, what’s that?”

“Huh?” You turn around to see something glittering in the distance. You squint to try and make out more details. “I…I don’t know?”

“Wait. That looks like…is that…oh, I think it is!” John’s suddenly excited, jumping up so quickly that he practically trips over himself. “Karkat, I have to go!”

“What? What is it?”

“It’s the subspace radio from my ship! Karkat, I can radio Earth, send a distress signal. I can contact my people, they can rescue me and I can go home! What a marvellous turn of events!”

“That’s…nice. I guess. Wait,” You grab onto John’s shoulder. “You can’t go now. There’s predators. Wait until the morning.”

“But-“

“There is no use having a subspace radio if you get yourself killed in the process.”

“But, but…right.” John calms himself down. “We’ll wait until the morning.”

“Come on, let’s go to sleep.” You smile (feels weird on your face) and together the two of you go back down into your respite block, although inside you are feeling anything but smiley.


	10. Chapter 10

It’s the middle of the night, and you’re fully awake. John is snoring next to you.

You can’t help but think of what happened a few hours ago on the roof. John would get to go home. You’re happy for him, of course. But you don’t want him to go, and you know it’s a horribly selfish reason you don’t want him to go.

You don’t want to lose your only friend who truly understands you.

Turning over to face John, you look down at the human. He seems so peaceful, lying down on his towel bed like that. For a long moment you just stand in your recuperacoon and stare at him.

John.

You realise you don’t even know his last name.

John.

_Go out. Break the subspace radio._

You shake your head. No, you’re not going to destroy his only chance of getting home.

_He’s sleeping…shall we find out how potent sopor slime can be?_

“Clearly not very, because you’re not working. Besides, what good will that do? You’ll just delay the inevitable. Fuck. I’m talking to slime.”

_You have rope, don’t you?_

“That’s it. I need some fucking cold water.” You mutter to yourself, climbing out of your recupracoon and heading to the ablution block. Turning on the tap, you splash the cold liquid on your face and try to get those thoughts out of your head.

_John’s leaving. John’s going. I’ve only known him for less than a week and yet he’s the best friend I’ve had._

“MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!” You yell and before you can think about what you’re doing you went and punched the mirror in front of you. Predictably, glass goes everywhere and you cut yourself. “FUCK!”

“Karkat?” You turn around to see John, rubbing his eyes.

“Oh. Hey, John. Did I wake you? Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Are you okay?”

You want to fire back with a sarcastic response but hold your tongue. Obviously he’s asking why you broke the mirror and not about your clearly bleeding hand. “Yeah, it’s just…the sopor slime isn’t working too well.” A half-truth, technically.

“Oh.” John reaches up and starts rubbing one of your horns.

“John, what the fuck-“ You manage to blurt out before a wave of euphoria comes over you. “Woah…”

“There, doesn’t that feel better?”

“Mmmhmm…”

“I learned this from that movie you showed me the other day.” John’s got his other hand touching your other horn, playing you like an instrument. You wonder what else those fingers can be good at, trailing down your body and…woah woahwoahwoahwoahwoah.

Suddenly remembering where you are, you push John away with probably a bit more force than necessary. “John!”

“What? What did I…” You don’t get to hear the rest of his sentence because you’ve run out of the ablution block and headed into the nutrition one.

Turning on the faucet there, you wash off the (red!) blood from your hands.

Red.

Just like John’s blood.

It’s like destiny.

“Okay, firstly, fuck you, and secondly, fuuuuuuuuck you!” You say to no one in particular. What John did with your horns must be taking time to wear off. Yeah, that’s it.

“Karkat?” John’s followed you and he’s biting his lip in his stupid(ly adorable) way again. “I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?”

“Also, fuck you too! Seriously, fuck you, you idiotic, shit-brained, blithering moron who doesn’t know what the _fuck_ oblivious means if it ran up to you and punched you in your stupid face!”

“What?”

“Exactly!” You grab a nutrition plateau in anger and throw it at him, either he dodges or you missed in ager because it just went sailing past him and smashing onto the floor.

“Karkat, easy. Look, I’m sorry I touched your horns, okay? I didn’t know…”

“SHUT UP ABOUT MY FUCKING HORNS AND GO TO HELL!” This time, you grab a lump of grub and throw it at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. The grub sticks to John’s t-shirt and slowly starts sliding down, leaving a trail of sauce. John doesn’t say anything, just turns around and walks away.

Out the front door.

Shit.

Seeing John walk out towards almost certain death something snaps (or should that be un-snaps) in you and you calm down. “Wait! John, wait! I’m sorry I got pissed, I…the slime…fuck.”

You run back upstairs to grab a coat before remembering trolls don’t wear coats and run back down, almost tripping and falling in the process. Then you remember your hand is bleeding and run back upstairs to grab some cloth to wrap your hand around as a makeshift bandage. Running back downstairs again you throw open the front door you look around frantically for the idiot who thought it’d be a good idea to go outside during a full moon.

“JOHN!”

The radio. He’s probably going to grab his subspace radio. You run towards where you think the beacon was, hoping that you remembered correctly the direction from the time spent on the roof. The wind picks up around you, because there’s a law that storms always blow in during times of drama. Screw that, you don’t have time for that shit.

You run, hoping to catch John before he uses the radio and disappears back to Earth or something. It feels like you’ve run forever, but you’re not tired. You might not be good at violence, but you are good at marathon running. The only thing that matters is finding John.

John.

“Fuck, come on…”


	11. Chapter 11

Finally, _finally_ , after what felt like a good hour of straight-up running you reach the place pointed out to you. John is nowhere to be seen or found, but you spot something half-buried in the dirt. A metal cylinder with three legs on the bottom and a satellite dish on top. This must be the subspace radio.

Using your claws you quickly dig the thing out of the dirt, brushing off some mud that had been clinging to it. The wind has become a gale and rain is pouting down because the universe hates you. Unfortunately trying to find John in this weather is hopeless – you can barely see 10 metres in front of you – so you hope John is somewhere safe, and in the meantime you can bring the subspace radio back home as an apology present.

“Ribbit.”

Oh, of course. Can this get any more cliché? You turn around to see a hideous four-legged green monster staring at you. You gently place the beacon down and ready your claws for a fight.

“Ribbit.”

“I’m not scared of you, you know. How ‘bout you fuck off and we can both pretend this never happened?” John must be rubbing off on you more and more, because this is the second time this evening you’re talking to something that can’t understand you. You don’t really mind John rubbing against you though…

“Ribbit.” Right. The evil hideous monster continues staring at you and you can tell that it’s waiting to pounce and maul your head off. But you’re ready. The second the thing jumps at you, you’re going to claw its underside and…

“Karkat?”

“Huh?” You turn your head to see John.

“Oh, hey John.”

“…”

“…Wait, John? JOHN!” You run up to him and give him a hug.

“Ow…Karkat…can’t breathe…claws…you’re hurting me…”

“Oh, sorry.” You quickly remove your hands and by extension, your claws. John is staring at you, a smile on his face. You smile back.

“Ribbit.” Shit. In all the confusion you practically forgot there was a deadly creature trying to kill you. “Get behind me John, I’ll protect you from the horrible pond amphibian.”

“You mean the frog?”

“Huh?”

“Karkat,” John walks up to the monster, “It’s just a frog.”

The frog opens its mouth wider than a hippo and swallows John whole.

“NOOOOOOOO!” You scream and launch yourself at the evil frog, clawing at it, biting it, attacking the piece of shit that ate your friend…

“Karkat?” Yoohoo? Hello?” John’s suddenly waving his hand in front of your face, very much not eaten.

“Huh?” You say for the second time in five minutes.

“You kinda zoned out there for a second. You okay?”

“I…yeah, I’m fine. I think I just need some more sleep.”

“Come on, let’s go home.”

You smile internally at hearing John call your hive home. “Oh, that’s right – John, I found your radio.”

“Oh wow, thanks Karkat! I thought you said we should’ve waited until morning, though.”

“Yeah, but…I thought it’d be a nice surprise.”

“I love you, Karkat. You’re an amazing friend.”

Your smile melts off your face. _Goddammit John, you and your stupid obliviousness and your platonic love._ “I love you too, John.” You choke out, hoping your emotions don’t show through.


	12. Chapter 12

“So…how is this thing supposed to work?”

“It’s quite simple, really.” John fumbles with a panel on the side of the cylinder. “I simply type in a message into this beacon..."

"I thought it was a radio."

"It's sending out the distress signal, so it's more of a beacon right now. Once I turn it on, it will start broadcasting a signal back to Earth. I hope.”

“Cool. So how long until rescue arrives?”

“No idea. My ship is a prototype, so it might take anything from days to weeks depending on whether the folks back home have built a second ship. Shall we go get lunch?”

“Yeah, I’m starving.”

John gets up and goes over to the alchemizer. “Burgers and fries.” A plate appears upon which sat more of John’s strange Earth foods.

“Ketchup.” A smaller dish appears with some red paste on it.

“Ew, John, why do your Earth foods always have things that are the same colour as your blood? Isn’t that off-putting?”

“No, not really?” John takes a yellow thing and dips it in the red paste. “I mean, blood isn’t as thick as ketchup, and usually blood is bit of a stronger and brighter red, and…okay, I think I grossed myself out.” John pushes his plate of food away. “Speaking of, how’s your hand doing?”

“It’s fine, I guess.” You look down at your hand, wrapped in cloth. “Mostly it’s just gone numb. Hope it heals soon.”

You hear a knocking on your door. Odd – you weren’t expecting any visitors. You go over to open the door.

“SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!”

“Happy wriggling day!”

“We got you a present.”

Gamzee, Vriska and Terezi were standing in front of your door. Terezi hands you a wrapped present, although it didn’t take a genius to tell it was a sickle given its very sickle-y shape.

“I, uh…uh…’scuse me a moment.” You slam the door in their faces and turn around, an expression of panic. “John!”

“What?”

“I have friends coming!”

“What?”

“Troll friends! Quick, hide!” You grab John by the collar and practically drag him upstairs.

“Woah, Karkat, wait, what, ow, is the, ow, meaning, ow, of this?”

“I have troll friends here, John, and I don’t want you to go meet them. Remember when I said trolls are of a violent nature? I don’t want you to get horribly killed or something.”

“Is this going to be a repeat of the frog fiasco from yesterday night?”

“No, just shut up and get in my wardrobe!” You shove John into your wardrobe and shut the door, then quickly run back downstairs and try to look and act casual. And by casual you mean trolley. Troll-y.

“What the fuck is the fucking meaning of this‽”

“We’re celebrating your wriggling day, Karkles.”

“Don’t fucking call me Karkles, Terezi. Also, did you guys sleep for so fucking long you lost track of time? My wriggling day was four days ago.”

“Well yes, but we had to wait until all of us had time in order to visit you.”

“I don’t have time for your visit, asswads.”

“Oh, come on bro. What in the motherfucking hell could _you_ be so busy about? All you ever motherfucking do is sit in your motherfucking chair and either watch shitty motherfucking movies or stroke your motherfucking horns.” Gamzee pushes past you and makes himself at home like a douchebag.

“I…”

“Gamzee’s right, Kar. Come on, this is a day of joy and happiness and other tooth-rottingly fluffy shit. Let’s celebrate that you got hatched.”

“Fuck you, Vriska.”

“I’m going to pass on having sex with you.”

“Hey, what’s this?” Terezi had gone and picked up the rounded white circle with the specks of little white drops that John was eating.

“Terezi, put that fucking thing down!”

“It looks like a grubloaf put in between some other weird thing.” Terezi goes and takes a bite. “Mmm, not bad.”

“Karkat, you know painting and eating at the same time isn’t a good idea, right?” Vriska had apparently found that dish of not-blood John was also eating.

“That’s not paint, that’s…actually, I don’t know what it is exactly, but stop touching that!”

Silence.

“…What?”

“What’s wrong with your hand?” asks Vriska.

 _Shit._ You were so engrossed in pointing angry fingers at the three you'd inadvertently used your injured, bandage-wrapped hand. “Nothing. I just sprained it.”

“Shit, Karkles. What in the motherfucking hell was you doing? Usually you’re so careful about motherfucking getting wounds.”

“Fuck you, Gamzee. How about I use my new sickle and cut off your bulge?”

“Karkles, I realise you’re itching to maim something, but why don’t we go outside and find something else to kill? We’ll even let you have the first turn, since it’s your wriggling day.”

“Fuck off, Vriska, I don’t feel like it. I’m fucking busy.”

“Of what?”

“Hey, what’s this?” Terezi’s apparently noticed the distress beacon. “It’s pretty.”

“DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH THAT FUCKING THING TEREZI, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL CUT OFF ALL YOUR LIMBS AND FEED THEM ONE BY ONE TO YOUR LUSUS!!!”

“Okay, sheesh. That’s rather harsh, even from you. What is it? Some sort of sex toy?”

“NO IT’S NOT A FUCKING SEX TOY. WHY DID YOUR MIND IMMEDIATELY GO DOWN THAT PATH?”

“Because your hand is sprained?” Terezi smirks.

“GO STICK YOUR HEAD DOWN A LOAD GAPER. ALSO, STOP FUCKING CONTINUING TO POKE IT!”

“Oops!” Terezi knocks the beacon over.

“FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL.” You pick up the beacon and bring it upstairs to the respite block. John is sitting on the computer chair watching a movie.

“John, what the hell! I thought I told you to stay in the wardrobe!”

“Well, I can’t hide in there forever! Gotta come out eventually.”

You don’t even have the breath to mention the double entendre. “Can you wait and come out _after_ my troll friends are gone? Oh, by the way, here’s your beacon. They were getting their grubby hands all over it.”

“Karkat, are you motherfucking seriously motherfucking touching yourself right now? You horny little fucker, and you said that wasn’t a motherfucking sex toy!”

Shit shit shit shitshitshitshitshit. You quickly shove John under the desk and sit down just as Gamzee pokes his head in.

“Gamzee, get out of here!”

“So how does it work?” Gamzee ignores you and strolls right in. You pull up your chair closer to the desk to try and hide John better. You try not to think about the fact that his head is dangerously close to your crotch.

“Karkat?” “Karkles?” Oh, great. Just great. Now Vriska and Terezi are here, too.

“If you guys won’t fuck off out of my fucking hive would the three of you kindly go back downstairs at the very least? I’m in the middle of something!”

“Are you seriously deciding to masturbate while we’re here?”

“Why the fuck do you guys seem to think I’m fucking jerking off?”

“Because you are acting awfully suspicious.”

“Why is the sex toy motherfucking beeping?”

“IT’S NOT A SEX TOY! Gamzee, do not touch-“ You spin around, forgetting that John is under you. There is a bang and John cries, “Yow!”

“Did you hear that?” asks Terezi.

“Hear what?”

“Somebody said yow.”

“It’s just the movie, I…I…ugghh.” John’s suddenly put his hand on your thigh. The action itself isn’t risqué, but being reminded of where John is is making you bite your lip. You really hope he’s just placed his hand there for support because you accidentally kicked him into a desk and not because he’s insane enough to do something inappropriate at this very bad time.

“Karkat, are you okay?”

“Yes I’m fine, please just get out of my respite block and give me five minutes, okay?”

The three of them shrug and leave you alone. You give a small sigh of relief and look down at John.

“John, this is why I said to stay in the wardrobe.”

“Your friends don’t seem that bad, I don’t get why you don’t want me to meet them.”

“Because I don’t want them to ask awkward questions, like ‘What is this monkey?’ ‘Where did he come from?’ ‘Can I kill him?’ and ‘Are you dating this monkey from another planet?’ ”

“What _is_ this monkey, KK? And where did he come from?”

“Are you dating him?”

“You kinky fuck. So _that’s_ why you wanted us gone.”

You turn around to see that Vriska, Terezi and Gamzee.

“Goddammit.”


	13. Chapter 13

“I thought I told you three to go downstairs!”

“How can we leave you, Karkles, when you’re acting all weird and not yourself?”

“Yeah, we thought you were in motherfucking trouble, bro. Like someone had a motherfucking gun to your motherfucking think pan.”

“But apparently you’re just getting oral sex under the table from a weird pink thing.”

“Okay, firstly Vriska, he’s called John. Second, he was not blowing me!”

“Can I motherfucking kill him?”

“OH MY GOD, NO GAMZEE. YOU CANNOT KILL JOHN.”

“Man Karkat, you were right about your troll friends. Completely nailed the questions they were gonna ask.”

“Shut up John! If you had just stayed in the closet, I mean wardrobe, like I told you to this never would have happened!”

“Karkat, I want an explanation.” Vriska had crossed her arms and was looking at you expectantly.

“Fuck you, Vriska! You don’t deserve an explanation! None of you deserve an explanation! This was such a nice day until you three showed up!”

 “Oh, excuse us for wanting to make your wriggling day more pleasant.” Terezi has joined Vriska in arm-crossing.

“I…fuck!” You sink down on your chair, sighing. John pats you on the shoulder.

“What’s he doing?”

“It’s called a gesture of affection, Vriska.”

“So you _are_ dating him. Damn KK, your tastes are…exotic.”

You grab the nearest thing and throw it at Vriska, which happens to be a Game Grub magazine so (un)fortunately nothing happens except you make a mess as paper flies everywhere.

“Is this why you haven’t been contacting us? Because you’re too busy making out with your new matesprite?” asks Terezi.

“Oh my god...”

“You never motherfucking explained what this motherfucker is.” Gamzee’s gone over to inspect John.

“Gamzee, if you hurt one strand of hair on his head…”

“Relax, bro. I just want to motherfucking see, is all.”

“He’s not a thing for you to gawk at!”

All of a sudden Gamzee leans in and kisses John.

“WHAT THE FUCK‽‽‽‽‽‽‽” You yell.

“What? I just wanna see if he’s a good kisser, bro. The answer, by the way, is motherfucking no. He tastes weird.”

“Gamzee, I believe that it’s considered impolite to snog your friend’s matesprite.” Explains Terezi.

“He. Is. Not. My. Boyfriend.” You say through gritted teeth.

“Then perhaps you would finally explain all the details?”

“What is there to explain, Vriska? He’s John, he’s stranded here and I’m just trying to help him fucking get back home.”

“What was he doing under the table?”

“I didn’t want you fucks to fucking know about him. All you are ever fucking interested in are in killing.”

Terezi leans in real close to you. “Psst. I think this John guy might be mind-controlling you. You don’t sound like yourself.”

“Fuck you Terezi, I _am_ myself.”

“Are you sure? I could whack him on the head and…”

“This is exactly why I didn’t want you fucks to know about him.”

 “Then what’s the motherfucking sex toy all about?”

“It’s a distress beacon, Gamzee. It’s for how he gets home.”

“I want lunch. Can I have lunch?”

“Vriska, you come over to my hive without invitation and ask me for fucking lunch?”

“Well, the idea of visiting you was for us four to go out and kill something, then we could all get lunch. But then our time got caught up because of your pink monkey.”

“Er, how bout we just go have lunch downstairs?” suggests John.

“Terezi took a bite of your round thing, John. You might want to not eat that so you don’t get her germs all over you.”

“Hey!”

“Shut up, Terezi.”

“Come on, let’s go.” John ushers the four of you downstairs. Terezi, Vriska and Gamzee take seats while you grab some grubloaf for them and John alchemizes something. You sit down opposite the other trolls and John joins you.

“May I ask what John is having?”

“I don’t fucking know. Why are you asking me? John isn’t mute.”

“It’s a salad.”

“…”

“Plants.”

“Karkat, your friend is weird. He eats plants.”

“You do realise he can fucking hear you, right?”

“Are we gonna motherfucking go out and motherfucking kill something after this motherfucker? I’m motherfucking itching to kill something.” You don’t like that Gamzee is looking at John the whole time he’s saying that.

“Yeah, we could even invite John to join us!”

 “Thanks, but I’m gonna decline.”

“Yeah, fuck that shit. I’m not in the fucking mood to kill right now.”

“Karkat, I still think that…” Terezi points at John, then at your think pan, then makes a circling motion next to her head.

“Is she trying to say that we’re crazy or that we shouldn’t get together?” John asks you.

“Shit! He knows sign language!” You bang your head against the table at the ridiculousness of this. Sometimes you feel like your life is a shitty comedy story.

 “Well, this has been a lovely lunch, but I think all three of us should go.” Vriska says suddenly and gets up from the table. “Come on, Terezi and Gamzee.”

“But I’m not motherfucking finished!”

“Can I take that round food with the white bits, Karkat?”

“Sure, feel free to take whatever the fuck you want. Thank you for my wriggling day present, by the way.”

“Can I take him, bro?” Gamzee points at John.

“No.”

“But you motherfucking said…”

“Out. Now.” Vriska practically shoves the other two out the door. You go over to lock it.

_“Are we just going to leave, Vriska?”_

_“Clearly Karkat was banging that John guy and we interrupted him. I bet his hand’s not even injured and it’s just some kinky bondage roleplay he’s doing. Let’s come back tomorrow.”_

_“I can’t. I’m motherfucking busy tomorrow.”_

_“Okay then, what about…”_

The voices fade as the three presumably get further away from the door.

“Now look what you did, Karkat. They think we’re dating.” You turn to see him standing next to you.

“Does it really fucking matter for you? It’s my reputation on the line, anyway. You’re just gonna leave forever when your ship arrives, and nobody you know will know.”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t want to leave you with your friends thinking you date aliens.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Well, I don’t want to ruin your chances of finding a troll guy or troll girl to snuggle up with.”

“Thanks. You’re so considerate.” Your voice drips with sarcasm. As usual, John doesn’t notice.

“Hey, Karkat?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not a bad kisser, am I?”

Perhaps it’s because Gamzee already did it so you’re feeling brave, perhaps it’s because you know he’s leaving soon and you don’t have many chances left, or perhaps you just lost your mind that moment, but whatever the reason you grab him by the shoulders and kiss him. Hard.

“Mmmmppphh…mpppff!”

You don’t know what the fuck Gamzee is talking about, because John’s lips are fucking amazing. You kiss him for a good three seconds before you pull away so it’s still plausible it was a purely platonic kiss.

“No,” you say. “You seem like a pretty good kisser to me.”


	14. Chapter 14

“Karkat, are all trolls really forward or is kissing not seen as romantic?”

“Huh?” You were busy so engrossed in watching the movie you only half heard what John said.

“Are trolls really forward or is kissing not seen as romantic? First Gamzee smooched me and then you smooched me.”

“Um, yeah. We trolls don’t really think of kissing as anything special.”

“Oh.” John grabs your chair, spins it (and you) around, leans in and kisses you.

_HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT._

“What the hell was that for?”

“I just want to practise my kissing. Since trolls don’t mind, no harm done, right?”

 _Oh. My. God._ You grab John by the head with your good hand and pull him towards you, kissing. Now that you’ve managed to convince the (lovable) idiot that kissing is something even friends do it’s not going to be as weird if you turn the kissing into sloppy make outs. Maybe life isn’t so bad after all.

You run your tongue across John’s lips but John doesn’t open his mouth. Well, one step at a time. You don’t want to force it and push John away by being too forward.

You continue kissing John for a good ten seconds before he starts pushing you away. “Whoa, Karkat. I’m flattered, but give me a moment to catch my breath.”

“Right. Sorry.” You try to hide your disappointment.

“That was…intense. You were intense.”

“We trolls are very passionate.”

“I thought trolls were only passionate about killing.”

“Killing, kissing, they’re similar aren’t they? They’re spelled similarly.”

“That…doesn’t make sense?”

“Shut up and kiss me again.” You lean in and smooch him. Your hand is on his back, and you resist the urge to reach down and start groping his ass. That’s not going to be so easy to explain…or would it?

You pull away and give him what you hope is a charming smirk. “You know, trolls are really open about sex, too. How ‘bout we fuck and I can tell you if you’re good in bed?”

“Ha! Oh, Karkat, you’re a hoot.”

 _Damn. Well, can’t blame me for not trying._ “Ha ha.” You hope that doesn’t sound too deadpan. “Come on, let’s go back to watching the movie.”


	15. Chapter 15

“Karkat, I think I should see your hand.”

“Okay?” You hold out your hand.

“No, your injured hand.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” You hold out your other hand. John begins taking off the bandage. Almost immediately blood begins spewing out.

“Woah! Karkat, do you have haemophilia or something?”

“He no what?”

“Haemophilia. It’s when you get a cut and the wound continues to bleed because it can’t heal.”

“I don’t think so? Trolls usually heal pretty quickly.”

“Hmm. That’s a bit worrying then, considering it’s been three days. Hold still, this might hurt a bit.” John gently presses two fingers onto your palm, causing more blood to gush out.

“Shit the recupracoon! John, I thought we are trying to _stop_ the fucking bleeding!”

“I am! But I…wait.” John fumbles with his glasses. “Magnification 20.”

“Your glasses have a zoom in function?”

“Yes, it’s helpful for when tiny circuit boards break on ships. Magnification 30.”

“Does that mean you can spy on people in the shower? Did you spy on me in the shower?”

“Er, no? It’s not like I can see through walls.”

“Ah, but you said you didn’t do it only because you can’t see through fucking walls!”

“What?”

“You wanted to spy on me, but you can’t.” _You could’ve just asked._

“No! That’s not what I was saying at all!”

“Pervert.”

“Screw you.”

“Whoa, John, language! I think I’m being a bad influence on you.”

 “Okay, I’m just going to go back to your hand and ignore you. I think I see…oh, yeah. There’s a bit of broken glass in your wound. No wonder it’s not closing up.”

“Seriously? What the fuck do we do?”

“Relax, I know first aid. Have to, since, you know, I travel on my own. Have you got tweezers?”

“Can’t you alchemize one?”

“That'll need a recipe card, and I can't make recipe cards.”

“Hmph. What a useless piece of shit. I think I’ve got a pair in the ablution block.”

“Wait here.” John goes upstairs. You stare at the puddle of red that had formed on the floor and wonder how long you can get away with not cleaning up.  By god, you hate chores.

“Okay, I’m back.” John’s got a pair of tweezers in his hand and was clacking them together as one of those unwritten laws that one must clack objects such as tweezers or tongs when holding one in one’s hand. “Now, this is going to hurt a bit.” John gently sticks the tweezers into your open wound.

“John, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, are the tweezers even clean?”

“Of course they are! I rinsed it good with hot water. Besides, leaving a clink of glass inside your bloodstream isn’t a good alternative. Ah, got it.” John pulls the tweezers out from you and holds it above his head victoriously.

“That is fucking gross. You are gross.”

“Come on, Kar. Let’s clean all of this blood up.”

VRRRRRRRRRRM! All of a sudden a chainsaw cuts your door in half.

“WHAT THE FUCK‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽”

“Oops, sorry KK.” Kanaya is standing outside the door looking sheepish. “I wanted to show you my new chainsaw and I guess I accidentally turned it on…” Kanaya trails off and stares at you. You follow his gaze down to your puddle of blood.

Your red blood.

_Shit._

“Kanaya, this is not what it looks like!”

Kanaya doesn’t say anything, but turns and runs away.

“John, we need to go. Now.”

“Why?”

“They just found out I have red blood. Kanaya’s probably running off to tell the others. We need to hide. Go!” You start grabbing anything that you think would be important, ignoring the stinging pain in your injured hand.

“Karkat, aren’t you overreacting? I mean, they’re your friends, aren’t they? Friends don’t-“

“John, maybe your human friends won’t kill you for being a weirdo with different coloured blood, but trolls will. Given any excuse they’ll turn on each other in a second. And this is a major excuse.” You run upstairs to grab some spare clothes, scoop up some sopor slime in a bucket (trying to ignore the implications of that) and the sickle Terezi gave you while John picks up his distress beacon.

“So where are we even going?”

“To the woods. Down the beach. Just anywhere but here. Stop wasting fucking time and go!” You’ve put on a second shirt so you don’t have to carry it and you’re now hurrying back downstairs with John following you. You’re just about to reach the door when it’s thrown open and standing there are your friends.

Your former friends.

“Hello, Karkles.” Says Terezi, her voice menacing.

“Going somewhere?” asks Vriska.

Okay. Calm down, maybe they haven’t heard and are just here to follow up the last time they visited. “Yeah, me and John are going to go for a nice, long walk in the woods.”

“Why’s your motherfuckin’ hand red?” Gamzee’s head pokes out from behind Terezi and Vriska.

“I was…giving John a handjob. His genetic material is red, you know.”

“What?” John's made his way next to you and has one of his eyebrows raised. You shoot John a death glare. _Not now._

Vriska shakes her head. “Wow, and I thought it was you that had mutant red blood. So you’re dating an alien guy with mutant red. That is the sickest, most twisted thing I have heard.”

“Fuck off Vriska, as if you don’t have weird tastes!”

Vriska’s eyes narrow. “Do we have to listen to a freak like this?” she asks Terezi and Gamzee.

“No.”

“Motherfuckin’ no.”

“GET HIM!” Kanaya appears out of nowhere with a chainsaw. At that, it’s as if a dam broke loose, and all four of them charge at you.

“John, run!” You run towards the nutrition block and jump out the window (thank god it’s open since you liked to throw plates out). John follows you, and the two of you continue running. Behind you, you can hear the sounds of four bloodthirsty trolls. You duck behind someone else’s hive and throw yourself into a bush, pulling John in. You hear Vriska, Terezi, Gamzee and Kanaya run past you, screaming bloody murder.

“Wow, apparently you weren’t kidding either about trolls turning on you in a heartbeat.”

“Yeah, no shit John! Now shut up, we don’t want them to hear us!”

The two of you stay quiet for five minutes before you sneak out, gesturing at John to follow you.

“Come on. We should go hide in the woods.”

“And then what?”

You look down at the distress beacon John is holding. “Hope your friends come soon.”


	16. Chapter 16

“Man, this sucks!”

“Tell me about it.”

“Karkat, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I came into your life and completely freaking ruined it, I’m sorry-“

“Don’t fucking apologise, John. This is not your fault.”

The two of you have found a clearing deep in the middle of the woods, with a river running through it. You’d waded in and caught some fish while John set up his stick contraption to cook it and the two of you are now enjoying a fish dinner.

“I know, I just…god! Fuck! Shit! Piss!” John curls his hands into fists. “I am such a fuckup!”

“John, calm down. I honestly don’t care. I’ve already told you I don’t fit here in Alternia, and honestly them finding out was only a matter of time. I would’ve been culled, with or without you here.”

John still looks mad at himself, so you go over and kiss him. “Mmmmmmm…” John closes his eyes, swooning into you. At least, you think he’s swooning into you.

You break away the kiss and give him a smile. “Now come on, it’s getting late. Let’s put out the fire and go to sleep.”

“But it’s cold! I’m cold.”

“John, we can’t leave a fire unattended in the middle of the woods.”

“Okay, fine.” John sighs. You put out the fire and he shivers.

“Here, you can have my spare shirt.” You take off the second shirt you were wearing and hand it to him.

“Better, I guess. Still kinda cold.”

“Why don’t we cuddle?” You open your arms and he crawls over to you.

“Thanks, Karkat. You’re warm.” You stick your hand into the bucket of sopor slime, scoop some out and put it in your mouth, ignoring your think pan screaming at you _what are you doing?_

“Karkat, I thought you said eating sopor slime was a terrible idea?”

“It normally is, but since I can’t very well jump in the bucket, this is the best I could do.” You hope that that’s enough to stop the horrorterrors.

“Oh. Okay. Goodnight, Karkat.”

“Goodnight. John.”

* * *

 

_“J-John?” John is looking at you, his face unreadable. He slides a hand up your shirt._

_“John, what are you doing?”_

_“What you’ve always wanted. This is what you want, isn’t it?” John’s finger traces along your chest. His other hand reaches down and starts tracing the outline of your bulge._

_“John, I…I don’t…why? If this a prank…”_

_“No, doofus. It’s not a prank.” You’re suddenly naked from the waist down. When did he-_

_John smirks and gently bites your shoulder, suckling. Your bulge reacts in excitement, and John’s hands get entangled up in it. He starts fondling your bulge._

_“Oh, fuck…”_

_“I love you, Karkat.” John whispers to you seductively. “So much.”_

_“I love you too, John.” You smile._

_“Karkat…”_

_“Karkat…”_

“Karkat!” John’s shaking you.

“Huh? What?”

“Finally, you’re awake. You almost fell into the river.”

“Uhhhh….”

“Sorry I woke you, Karkat, but we need to go.”

“What, why?” Memories of yesterday come back to you. “Have the others found us?”

“No, not that.” John moves a few spaces to his left and reveals a giant egg. It looks very similar to the egg John arrived in. Standing in the doorway is a lady.

“Who’s that flighty broad?”

The flighty broad frowns at you.

“That’s Rose, Karkat. She’s one of my partners in research. And she’s come to rescue me.”

“Took her long enough.”

“For the record, Mr. Karkat, our tardiness was entirely John’s fault. He was apparently unaware that a distress beacon needed a clear view of the sky, and thus would not function indoors.”

“Rose! I thought you weren’t going to tell anybody!”

“There is no need to concern yourself, Egbert. Given that you’ll never see your companion again, nobody you know would know.”

“Your full name is John Egbert? Really? Egg-bert? As in egg-ship?”

“Fuck you, Karkat.”

“Woah, John. I had no idea you used such language.” Rose raises her eyebrows.

“Screw you too, Rose. Why do you think I’m never coming back here? Of course I’ll be back. I’ll visit Alternia every day to see Karkat.”

“No,” you say, “You won’t.”

“What? Why?” John turns and looks at you in surprise.

“Because I won’t be on Alternia. I’m coming with you.”

“Why?” asks Rose.

“I uh, might have ruined his life.” John says, voice small.

“Shut your fucking mouth, John, unless you want to use that mouth to kiss me. I already told you it’s not your fault.”

“Kiss? Did you enter into a romantic relationship with-“ begins Rose.

“No!” John quickly says – a bit too quickly for your liking. “In troll culture, kissing people is not seen as romantic.”

Rose looks at you. Somehow, even though you’ve never met before, you can feel her staring at you, able to tell that you lied. You shake your head. _Don’t tell John._

Rose smiles at you and winks. _Your secret’s safe with me._ “Come on, let’s go.” She says out loud. “As I understand it, you currently have a number of angry trolls chasing after you. I suggest we abscond before they find us.”

John heads into the spaceship. You follow him, but Rose blocks you. “Mr. Karkat, can we have a talk? In private?”

“About what?”

“Just step away from the ship for a second.”

“Look, you bitch, if you don’t want me to come with you just fucking say so-“

“No, that’s not it.” Rose leans in close to you and whispers. “He hates baked goods.”

“Huh?”

“He hates baked goods. But he really likes Nicolas Cage, for some reason. Also, he thinks of himself as a prankster, so prepare for crappy practical jokes and magic tricks.”

“I’m not following.”

Rose gives a knowing glance towards the ship. “You like him, yes? As more than a friend?”

“I…oh. Oh! Thanks for the tips.”

“You’re welcome. Come on, let’s go.”

You pick up your bucket of sopor slime.

“What’s that?”

“It’s sopor slime. We trolls need it for sleeping. You humans have sopor slime, don’t you?”

“I’m afraid we don’t.”

“Problem. Do we have time for me to run back to my hive and-“

“But it’s not difficult for us to alchemize more.” Rose picks up the bucket. “Since we have a sample here, we can easily analyse the chemical composition and duplicate it.”

“Wait, John that fuck said you need a recipe to make something and you can't make recipes!”

“John has a bad way with words. Alchemizers requires recipes yes, but since his journey was expected to only be a short one we didn't provide him with the capability to create new recipe cards.”

“That moronic imbecile.”

“John _is_ a giant goofball. Are you still sure you want to seduce him?”

“Fuck yeah.”

The two of you step into the ship. John’s looking at you.

“Hey, what took you two so long?”

“Cultural exchange, Egbert. I am amazed you spent a full week in an alternate dimension and learned nothing.”

“Hey, that’s not true! I learned a lot of things, like how trolls don’t have nipples and-“

 “Of course, of course. Out of all the ways you could have spent time, _that’s_ what you focused on.”

The implication of what John says hits him. “No, wait! I mean…I didn’t…” John groans. “Karkat, help me.”

“I’m not taking my shirt off in front of somebody else!”

“KARKAT!”

You and Rose laugh as John sulks (adorably). Rose pulls a lever and with a BOOM, the egg vanishes from Alternia, leaving only a puff of smoke in its wake.


End file.
